Ashlee Simpson is officially Ashlee Wentz. In a move destined to doom her even further into obscurity than her music career already has, Ashlee felt it wise to take on the name of her new husband - seen here with a plate over his face. He did get my letters! People reports:

Pete Wentz says he left the name change decision to his wife. “These decisions with Ashlee and her name are all completely up to Ashlee,” Wentz says. “I want her to do these kinds of things the way she wants to do them.”
Still, he admits, he was flattered. “Oh man, I was like upgrade me! You know what I’m saying? The Wentz family, our Christmas card just got upgraded!” he says. “It feels insane. It feels unreal.”

For those of you unable to zoom in, or with poor vision, Pete’s paper plate mask reads “Your ad could be here. E-mail Jon@Douchebag.com.” When I read something like that and hear Pete say “Upgrade me!,” I can’t help but feel overjoyed that these two reproduced. (Side note: I express joy through punching. Vigorous punching.) Now where’s the happy couple? I’ve got some brass joy I can’t wait to share with them. Ha ha! So happy!

Kirsten Dunst opened up to E! Online’s Mark Malkin about her recent trip to Cirque Lodge. Turns out it wasn’t for the drinky; she was depressed. She also denied rumors that she’s dating Ryan Gosling. So, basically, after admitting she suffers from depression, E! made her confess to being lonely and emerging from her trailer at night to feed on the young. Okay, maybe not that last part. Here’s the details:

“I didn’t go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse,” Dunst tells me exclusively during a lunch break on All Good Things. “I went there for depression.
“It was a good six months before I decided to go away,” Dunst says. “I was struggling, and I had the opportunity to go somewhere and take care of myself. I was fortunate to have the resources to do it. My friends and family thought it was a good idea, too. But I didn’t know where to go. My doctor recommended Cirque Lodge.”

How can you be sad while you’re drinking? That’s scientifically impossible. Back me up, Geekologie Writer. And, also, put on some pants. I don’t want people thinking we coordinated outfits again.

As some of you may have heard, Sharon Stone once again opened her mouth again and said some retarded shit. This time around, she chalked up the recent earthquake in China (which killed Tibetans and Chinese) as “bad karma.” The AP reports:

“I’m not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else,” Stone said Thursday during a Cannes Film Festival red-carpet interview with Hong Kong’s Cable Entertainment News. “And then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?”

Wow. Now that’s the kind of crazy only a post-menopausal woman could unleash. At any rate, Sharon’s movies are now barred from the largest theater chain in China effective immediately:

Ng See-Yuen, founder of the UME Cineplex chain and the chairman of the Federation of Hong Kong Filmmakers, called Stone’s comments “inappropriate,” adding that actors should not bring personal politics to comments about a natural disaster that has left five million Chinese homeless, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

That would be an awesome punishment except for the fact that Sharon Stone was banned from movies forever after making Basic Instinct 2: Hey, Remember my Vagina? True story.

At the beginning of March, reports were circulating that Patrick Swayze only had five weeks to live. Well, over two months later, and using the same pic, I’m happy to post that Patrick is putting cancer’s ass in the corner and responding well to treatment. He issued the following statement to People:

“Thought I’d give you guys a little update. Lisa and I have been back and forth from New Mexico enjoying the arrival of spring and new baby calves. This past weekend, we spent a fun time with friends in Reno for Lisa’s birthday, where I took her jewelry shopping at Kenny G & Company and (we) were able to find her something really special and much deserved! In the meantime, I am continuing treatment at Stanford and the great news is I continue to respond well.”

Every once in a while, it’s nice to take a break from flying nipples and butt pads to write about something positive. I mean, not that boobs aren’t positive; let’s not get carried away. But sometimes you gotta recognize when cancer gets freaking pwned by Point Break himself. Also, I may or may not be recognizing by standing on my desk singing “The Time of My Life.”

The Superficial wishes Patrick the best of luck in his ongoing treatment and, in the spirit of celebration, has included the hilariously classic SNL sketch of Chris Farley and The Swayze trying out for Chippendale’s after the jump.

Kim Kardashian threw a party over the weekend at White House and apparently walked down a catwalk greeting fans. But none of that’s important. What is important is the fact that I’ve seen less insulation on a fucking astronaut. So, without further ado and in spite of the cries from our server, I ask you, intrepid readers, the most controversial question of our time: Is Kim Kardashian wearing a buttpad?

DISCUSS!

UPDATE: Added four more pics that definitely suggest padding of the buttal region. (Particularly here and here.)

Karina Smirnoff and her Dancing With The Stars lover/partner A.C. Slater hit the beach in Miami over the holiday weekend. Slater and Karina attempted to pull off some dance moves in the ocean until Karina’s bare nipple hit him in the nose. A.C. responded by dumping her ass face first into the sea. All, while screaming, “Ew! EW! Ohmygod ohmygod it touched my nose! Does anyone have a wetnap? Seriously.”

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions. Unless your boss is cool with Saved By the Bell characters getting nipped in the retina then, by all means, proceed.

Looks like Raven Symone’s biggest fan is OVAH her! The keeper of her biggest fan site, Raven-Symone.org, has called it quits.

And the actress/singer is to blame!

Here are his parting words:

CLOSED
The time has come for me to personally close the site. We were at the top of our game and I cannot be more happy with the way the site had gone. The members were all so loyal. However I made the decision to close the site based on this past year. This was supposed to be the best year for Raven professionally and she wasted it! The movie did great, she promoted I couldn’t have been happier, I got to meet her and even though she was very standoffish it completed my goal of wanting to meet her.

The whole album deal just infuriates me! She had a great album and she refused to do anything with it. She ended up selling only 4,400 copies!!!! That is a huge flop. She did zero promotion and didn’t acknowledge it on her OWN official website which showed little to no care for this album which is sad. What just did it for me was her management team, we were told we would get an interview for the website 4 months ago… then it comes time for it and they decide we don’t need it. Cause raven is so busy right? All the promotion we did online for years was nothing but free promotion for them. I am done supporting someone who just doesn’t care about her projects. I wish all the fans well and as for me, I have finally moved on…
derrick@raven-symone.org

We have a box of Krispy Kreme available for Raven, if she’s looking to stuff her sorrows away!

[Image via Getty Images.]

No, it’s not him!

It’s Perez, of course. Ha ha ha.

Pete Wentz just called the Queen of All Media “the most
powerful man in the music business.”

CLICK HERE to check out what he said!

[Image via WENN.]

For all of you Perezcious readers in El Salvador, you might be getting a visit soon from the other Hilton.

Rumor has it that Paris is set to be traveling to El Salvador with boyfriend Benji Madden.

Madden and his band, Good Charlotte, are scheduled to perform there in a few days.

And you know Paris and Madden are inseparable at the moment!

We’re actually surprised they’ve lasted this long.

If they keep it up, we’re going to have to come up with a name for them.

Any suggestions?

[Image via Mavrix Online.]

It turns out that that ‘clean cut’ Alex kid who was hired to keep and eye out for Amy Winehouse is a crackhead too!

The British media reports that Alex was caught smoking crack on tape, and when Wino’s management team caught wind of it, they fired him.

Wino probably corrupted him!!!!!

An insider revealed, “There was no mistaking from looking at the film that he was taking drugs. It was a shock to everyone…The boss went mental and Alex was asked to resign. The last thing Amy needs hanging around her are more users. Alex was supposed to help her and he crossed the line. He had to go.”

Too bad Wino’s management can’t make her cracked out friends disappear too!

[Image via WENN.]