Wanna know Samantha Ronson’s secret to keeping Lindsay Lohan a lesbian? Punching. Lots and lots of punching. Sam reportedly let the fists fly early yesterday morning at a London nightclub when she saw Lindsay dancing with her ex Calum Best, according to The Sun:

A shocked onlooker revealed yesterday: “Lindsay was having a boogie on the dance floor with Calum. They were getting pretty close to each other and Sam was nowhere to be seen.
“And then all hell broke loose. Sam came screeching up to Lindsay, screaming blue murder and throwing punches. She went ballistic. The pair traded a series of blows before Calum managed to prise them apart. It was a really ugly scene.”

Once out in the lobby the two kissed and made up. And by made up I mean it was Lindsay’s turn to open a can:

Another eyewitness revealed: “Lindsay was furious with what Sam had done. She launched herself at Sam in the lobby. She was spitting at her and clawing at her chest. She was fuming.”

I included pics of Lindsay looking all forlorn outside the club in her car. Never before have I seen a woman so desperately miss the penis. Hang in there, champ. Your career’ll be dead before you know it, and then you can have wang until the cows come home. Don’t stop believing!

UPDATE: Page Six reports Lindsay and Sam are now seeing a couples counselor because of the fight. Apparently, this shit happens a lot which would be hot if Samantha Ronson didn’t look like a coked-out Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley. I went there.

Paris Hilton called into Ryan Seacrest’s radio show this morning to set the record straight on her relationship with Benji Madden. Supposedly, the two are “just talking a break,” and Paris hinted they could get back together, according to E! News:

“He is an incredible person, and we will always be really close,” Hilton said. “We will see what happens in the future. I am still in love with him.”
As for why they decided to go their separate ways for now…
“He has been working nonstop with his brother on his new record. I am working and traveling,” she said. “All these reports that say I dumped him aren’t true. This is a decision we made together as adults.”

The last time I was on a “break” from a relationship, I sat around in my boxers for days on end building LEGOs and watching porn. (Its been five years, but I know she’ll call me back as soon as her husband gives her the message.) I’m sure Benji Madden’s doing the same thing - or he’s frantically searching for a hooker that won’t make him wear a HAZMAT suit. I’m not a mind reader.

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz gave birth to a baby boy last night and simultaneously won the “You’ve Got to Be Shitting Me” Award for the most ridiculous baby name. People reports:

Bronx Mowgli Wentz weighed 7 lbs., 11 oz., and was 20 1/2 inches long.
“Ashlee, Pete and baby Bronx are all healthy and happy, and thank everyone for their well wishes!” a spokesperson tells PEOPLE.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz. So I’m guessing Chewbacca Squishypants was already taken?

Congrats to Ashlee & Pete and best of luck to Bronx. You’re gonna need it.

AnnaLynne McCord filmed a beach party scene for 90210 yesterday and her nipple accidentally popped out while she was running. To make up for this snafu, AnnaLynne stripped down to a bikini and bent over. Okay… Not sure where she learned that trick, but there’s an actress who doesn’t want to go back to the Gap. Take note, young Hollywood.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that are totally going to make Dylan jealous when he gets to the Peach Pit.

Like the strange warts you got from the strip club restroom, clips of Britney Spears’ new documentary Britney: For the Record continue to show up online. The latest features Britney doing an impersonation of her father/conservator Jamie Spears talking on the phone (via Us Magazine):

“This is my dad,” Spears, 26, says while pacing back and forth between takes of her “Womanizer” video.
“‘Britney, get your a– in here and sit down right there!’” she says, switching into a Southern twang. Jamie - Spears’ permanent conservator - spent most of his life in Louisiana.
“‘She don’t listen to me,’” Spears continues. “‘She screams at me, and she gets on me [for] screaming at her…you have to talk some f–king sense into her.”

While the impression is pretty remarkable coming from Britney Spears, I couldn’t help but notice one glaring fact. Turns out when Jamie Spears talks on the phone he disappears for an hour. Think about that for a second, he’s gone for AN HOUR. Who’s watching Britney? This of course explains how she’s meeting men and why the pies cooling on my windowsill keep disappearing.

Video after the jump.

John Mayer was reportedly introduced to Jennifer Aniston’s father 75-year-old actor John Aniston Wednesday night. The couple dined with Jen’s dad and his wife Sherry Rooney at the Beverly Hills Hotel where the “Minstrel of Douche” apparently impressed Mr. Aniston, according to Star:

After starting with a round of cocktails, John and Jen shared a salad, followed by a fish entree. She was even seen feeding him a vegetable off her fork. As for the conversation — led by Jen’s step mom, who was much chattier than Jen’s dad — it ranged from music to… Tom Hanks.
“John spent a lot of time talking about his music philosophies — why certain decades have better music,” says the eyewitness. “He discussed his experiences with Aretha Franklin and made a joke about Tom Hanks.”
His nerves showed when Jen hit the powder room. John charmingly asked the table: “How am I doing?” Then cracked, “I am a wreck.” Everyone laughed and Jen’s stepmom, whom Jen referred to as “mom” throughout dinner, said, “Should we get our score cards out? Like on Dancing With the Stars?” John replied: “Exactly. It feels like Dancing with the Stars.”
When Jen returned, her stepmom outed John for being nervous and told Jen that he said it felt like he’s on an audition for Dancing with the Stars. Jen laughed and rubbed his thigh.

Afterward, everyone retired to the parlor for figgy pudding and a ribald game of Charades where young Master Mayer imitated the operation of the new horseless carriage. Huzzah!

What does it say about me as a person that, if Katie Price was selling cyanide capsules, I’d probably buy an entire case and pop them like candy? Besides that I’m awesome and people are genuinely surprised to learn I don’t drive a battleship to work.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has answered a resounding “You betcha” to the question “Can she be anymore oblivious?” After pardoning a turkey for Thanksgiving, Governor Palin gave a surreal interview with a local news team yesterday - right in front of a dude slaughtering turkeys. Amazing. My favorite part is the look on the guy’s face as he realizes “Wow, you’re really going to do this.” Then gets back to work because it’s Alaska, and it’s fucking cold out.

In the meantime, someone needs to tell Sarah Palin’s the elections over, so she can stop reciting the words John McCain wrote on the inside of her eyelids ad nauseum. Jesus, lady. I don’t see how Todd Palin doesn’t spend the majority of his day purposely getting rammed in the ear by snowmobiles. Unless he’s somehow immune to shrill.

Thanks to heather! who should be appointed Secretary of the Awesome.

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, stars of the movie Twilight, stopped by The Today Show this morning where they took questions from a maniacal gaggle of teenage girls. You could tell in the video (after the jump) Robert Pattinson was definitely broadsided by his new heartthrob status. I almost feel bad for the guy. If anyone knows what it’s like to wake up every morning knowing the whole world wants to do you, it’s me. Yet somehow I persevere - for the children.

NOTE: Insanity kicks in around the 7:00 mark. Kudos to Robert Pattinson for attempting to understand the crazy then quickly realizing these chicks wouldn’t think twice about wearing his skin as a coat.

Man, British people are smart. The folks over at BBC News made a startling discovery over the weekend: Karolina Kurkova doesn’t have a belly button. Wait. Women have belly buttons? When did that happen?:

Its absence was noticed this week when the 24-year-old graced a US catwalk for lingerie giant Victoria Secret. While most of us have an “outie” or an “innie”, Ms Kurkova has a smooth indentation (although sometimes a tummy button is airbrushed onto her photos in post-production).
Ms Kurkova has not spoken publicly about how she came to have a smooth navel, and all her agent will say is “she’s not an alien”.

Of course, this news would be startling if I didn’t just make a fascinating discovery of my own: Karolina Kurkova - has a face. BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA!

That’s how you report, my friends. That’s how you report.